I have been playing out what this post would say for at least a month now and have just gotten the courage to finally write about it. I am writing this more for therapy and documentation purposes for myself than for anything else. I decided that even though the words "Secondary Infertility" still seem like a title for someone else, the truth is, it's my story too and if I don't write out my thoughts, I may forget the feelings, emotions, and prayers that were part of the journey. I want to look back one day and praise God for every prayer answered. So here is my story.....
When John and I decided to start our family we had not even been married for a year, in fact, it may have been closer to 6 months. We both went from believing that we would wait a couple of years, to not being able to wait a couple more months. God laid that desire on our hearts heavily. It took us just 3 months to become pregnant with our Allie Cameron. When Allie was almost 3 months, my Dad was diagnosed with Metastatic Lung cancer and given only a year or so to live. Our quick change of heart regarding kids was no coincidence. God was taking care of our family before we knew that we needed taken care of. Allie has been such an unbelievable blessing. Her hugs are like the arms of God on the days when we miss dad so much it hurts to breathe. She is healthy and I am so thankful for her and for the blessing that she has been.
When Allie was about a year old, John and I decided that we would start trying to have another baby. I have always wanted my children to be close in age so that they would be friends growing up together. I have always said that I wanted 3 or 4 children, so John and I decided that it was a good time to have another baby. We began trying to get pregnant in the Summer of 2009. In later Summer, I quit having periods. (If this is Too Much Info.... I apologize) I thought for sure that we were pregnant, but after having to take out a loan to pay for all of the pregnancy tests I was taking, I accepted the idea that maybe something else was going on. The next 6 months were the most frustrating months of the whole ordeal. I began having menopause-like symptoms (hot flashes, night sweats, weight gain, and some others I won't go into on the blog). I made several appointments with my OB/GYN and my PCP. They ran tons of tests, all which came back normal. However, what I was experiencing was anything but normal. I just kept telling them, "Something is wrong!" Finally, after 6 months of feeling like I was going crazy, my OB/GYN decided that she would run every test she knew to run to see if we were missing something. I got a call a few days later and she asked me "Are you still breastfeeding Allie?" (now keep in mind, Allie is now one and a half and when I tried to breastfeed Allie as an infant, I could never produce enough) so I replied "Heavens No!" So she begins to tell me that my Prolactin levels are extremely elevated. Prolactin is the hormone that your body excretes when you breastfeed. She ordered an MRI and within a week I was diagnosed with a Pituitary Tumor called a Prolactinoma. Finally, and answer to all the weird symptoms. You see Prolactin blocks Estrogen from the receptors. So even though my Estrogen levels appeared fine, the Prolactin was keeping my body from using the Estrogen. I was referred to an Endocrinologist and within a month I was back to normal and was having regular periods. This all occurred in January 2010.
So fast forward 6 months and several medication adjustments due to yucky side-effects, and John and I got the news we had been praying desperately for, we were pregnant. This pregnancy was so different from my pregnancy with Allie. I felt horrible all day every day. Not morning-sickness-horrible, but flu-like horrible. I even made the comment to someone that I thought I was allergic to the baby. I also had awful stomach pains the entire time. I was convinced that I was having gallstones, but that turned out fine. We had our first ultrasound and the baby looked great. However, I still felt like something was wrong. On November 18th, one day before I was to be 12 weeks along, we lost our baby. I have had friends who have miscarried and I am so sorry that I underestimated what that is like. The physical pain was almost unbearable, however, the emotional pain is something that I struggle to find words for. It isn't like losing a child that you have held and have to bury, it's a lonely grief. A grief that few share with you because to many people, the pregnancy was not an everyday reminder of the life you were carrying. People may not even know that you were pregnant, or sometimes even worse, they did know and now you face the awkward moment when they ask you when you are due or what you are having and you have to share the news over and over. I never knew what those women went through, but now I do.
So we continued on in our prayerful attempt to expand our family. I received great news in April, my tumor is gone! Praise God for this answered prayer. However, that means that from an Endocrine stand point, there is no reason why I should not be getting pregnant. I bought an ovulation kit. I had to pray about this because a small part of me felt like I wasn't trusting God to answer my prayers. I felt like the kit was taking matters into my own hands. So I sought Godly counsel from several friends who have been praying for me through this whole counsel. They committed to pray with me that if I was indeed taking matters into my own hands, that God would only allow me to get pregnant if it was His will. Another area where my prayer warriors have joined John and I in praying is in the area of Infertility Specialists. I made an appointment with my OB/GYN and was referred to a Fertility Specialist. I had my first appointment today. I feel totally at peace with the decisions that we have made up until this point. The Fertility Specialist was amazing. He ran several tests and I will undergo several more over the next couple of months.
Secondary Infertility is an issue that while similar to Primary Infertility, carries with it, it's own unique hurts and pains. I have been blessed with a healthy child. My wanting to have more children in no way means that I don't appreciate what I have been given. Yet I have been told, "God will give you another baby when you appreciate what He has already given you," "You got pregnant this year, you just don't have a baby to show for it," "You're not infertile, you have a kid," "Maybe God knows you can't handle more than one." All of these have been said by well-meaning, good-intentioned people. It is what people with Secondary Infertility hear everyday, in some form or fashion. However, wanting more children is a heart-wrenching desire that I have. I believe the promises in the Bible and I believe that it is my God-given right and my responsibility to have more children and to raise up an army for the Lord. I also am very aware that some people physically can not have children. I have always believed in adoption and have always felt that some people the Lord sets aside to raise children who were theirs, yet they did not deliver. John and I are praying about our future with regards to adoption. I believe that the Lord will give us desires on the same level when adoption is what He wills for our lives. I would so appreciate your prayers as we navigate our way through this process of Secondary Infertility and seek to discover what God's will is in this situation.
