The Beach: Day 3

Today was so much fun! We tried to get Allie to play on the beach again and again she wanted to go to the pool instead. So off to the pool we went. It's day 3 and I still haven't laid on those beach chairs I rented! ......Nor am I any darker than I was when I left on Saturday. Sad story! Hayden came back to play with Allie and we played around in the pool most of the morning.

Tonight we had the most fun ever! We went to a place called The Track....Allie called it "The Carnival" It had Go Carts, Kiddie Rides, and Arcade, and tons of stuff to do. Allie rode Go Carts with Daddy and Mimi. She LOVED the kiddie rides. This precious child has absolutely no fear!



Today was the best day yet!

The Beach: Day 2

Well today stared out pretty much like yesterday. Allie headed to the beach with her daddy while mommy and mimi picked up the condo and got the "Beach" bag packed for a day at the pool! Last night we went to one of the souvenir shops and bought water guns to play with in the pool. Allie's friend Hayden came over to play with her in the pool. Little did he know she was locked and loaded for him when he got there. They had a blast squirting each other with the guns.

Tonight we met up with some of John's college friends that we ran into while we were down here. They have 3 precious girls and Allie thought she was just as big as they were. We went to eat at Lu Lu's and I have to say it was the most fun I have ever had at a restaurant. There was shopping and lots of play areas for Allie while we waited. Then after we ate, Allie got up and danced to the live music. She even got called up to the stage and got an autograph from the singer. Her daddy and I are a little worried about her teenage years. No concerts for this girl!

So much for the cute outfit.....this was how I found her after 5 minutes with Daddy!

MIA at The Beach....

For all 3 of you who have been sitting on the edge of your seats waiting for the next post from the Beach, I wanted to let you know where I went. It seems that I have found the one and only downside of our condo......the internet connection is worse that dial up! It is so slow that it won't even allow me to try and upload pictures. I have been documenting each day but since I cannot attach any pictures, I am going to wait and post when I can add pictures. Sorry for the suspense.....I know you are beside yourself right?! Ha! We are having a blast! Can't wait to share all of our fun stories.

The Beach: Day 1

I am going to try to document our vacation while we are here and I can still remember the funny things.

It took us over 10 hours to drive to the Beach. Allie was wonderful! She stayed awake for 9 of the 10 hours and never fussed once. She was beyond excited to see the Ocean. When we got to the beach it was 6:00 in the afternoon. Before we could even unpack, we had to let her go see the Ocean. On the way to the Ocean, we passed the pool. That pretty much is as far as we have gotten. She plays a little in the morning on the beach with her friends (whether they know her or not!) and then it's off to the pool until nap time.

We went to eat at a great place called the Oyster House. The food was yummy. Allie loved the popcorn shrimp which she called "chicken nuggets" and I tried Aligator for the first time. It did sort of taste like a chicken nugget.

While we were getting ready for bed after have a great first day, I told Allie to come to me to get her pj's on. Her response was "You're not the boss!" Where does she get these things?

So Monday morning, I woke up to find these things on our dresser in the condo. I thought to myself, "Yep...It's going to be a good vacation!"

Wow God Wednesday!

God reminded me this morning just how magnificent He is..... I wanted to share with you a story of hope and of the awesome healing power of our God.

When I graduated from Nursing School, I went to work as an RN in the Cardiovascular Intensive Care Unit at Arkansas Children's Hospital. It was a great job and I owe who I am today as a nurse to the awesome experiences that I experienced while working there. One such experience not only changed who I am as a nurse, but changed my life forever....

I received my assignment that morning and was told that I was going to be taking care of a newborn who was being flown in on Angel 1. I was a little nervous because this was my first time to take a transport by myself. I reflected on the lessons that I had learned during orientation. One such lesson, probably the most important lesson, was about how you treat the family of a newborn (or any child for that matter) the first time that they see their child with tubes and cords and machines, etc. I learned that in that moment, the most important thing that you can say to them is "It's OK to touch them!" I learned the importance of touch both for the parent as well as the child. When my patient arrived, he was a beautiful baby boy. I stood in awe as they began running the tests and the diagnosis became grimmer and grimmer. He looked so perfect on the outside, I wondered how he could be so broke on the inside. The final diagnosis was one of the worst heart defects that can be diagnosed. This precious baby boy would undergo multiple surgeries and a life full of doctors visits and tests, that was if he was lucky enough to survive infancy. I remember feeling sick to my stomach when I saw the dad and the grandparents make their way to the room where their little boy was. My heart raced as I introduced myself and explained the wires and tubes. When the doctors came in, I had to excuse myself because I didn't want the family to see me cry. They seemed so sweet and I knew that they loved this little boy so much.

Well, my relationship with this family did not end there. Baby Grant would end up undergoing several surgeries over the next year. The nurses would all fight over who would get to take care of him because he was so stinkin' cute and his family was such a breath of fresh air in the crazy world that is the Intensive Care. Along the way, Grant suffered several severe set backs. Grant's heart stopped beating not once, or twice, but three times. Each time his tiny fragile brain suffered injuries. The last time that his heart quit beating, Grant was placed on ECMO. ECMO is the most advanced form of life support. During the time that he was on life support, he suffered a brain bleed. After getting well enough to be taken off of life support, Grant's brain did not seem to be responding. The physicians began to run some tests but told Grant's sweet family that they did not think that he had any brain activity. The physicians told Grant's parents to begin thinking about with-drawing support and letting Grant go to be with Jesus. I will never forget what Grant's parents said to me during this traumatic time in their lives. I asked them how they were able to stay so strong when faced with such devastating news and they told me that they believed that Grant belonged to the Lord. That though they wanted him to stay with them, that since he belonged to the Lord that the Lord could have him when he needed him. Wow!

So as Grant's parents began calling their family to the hospital and began accepting that they would probably not celebrate his 1st birthday which was just weeks away, we all began praying. I asked to be Grant's nurse on the day that the physicians thought they would receive confirmation that Grant in fact did not have any  brain activity. As I entered his room that morning, I approached the bed and began stroking his hair. Grant loved two things while he was in the hospital, to have his hair played with and to lay on his belly like a frog. So I started playing with his hair that morning and he began squirming and wiggling his fingers and toes. If you are not a medical person, people without brain activity don't move! So as the day proceeded more test reveled that he did in fact have some brain activity. However, the news that followed this seemed to devastate this family as much as the thought of losing him. The physicians then told his parents that they estimated that he had less than half of his brain that was functioning and that though they could not say for sure, they did not feel as if he would ever, hear, see, talk, walk, or do anything more than lay in a vegetative state.

I have had the pleasure of keeping in contact with this wonderful family though I do not work at ACH anymore. What I saw today that made me say WOW GOD, were these pictures:

 Do you see that sweet little boy in the wheel-chair..... Guess who that is?! Wow God! He has graduated from Kindergarten! He can see, he can hear, his mom says he talks A LOT, he can not walk....but who needs to when you have a cool set of red wheels?! I love this little miracle and have been abundantly blessed to have a front row seat to this story of God's Greatness!

OK.... so here's one more... because he is so stinkin' cute! I love you Grant!

Secondary Infertility: The Unexpected Punch in the Gut

First, let me begin by saying that I am not writing this post for the purpose of gaining sympathy. Nor, do I ever intend on gaining sympathy out of discussing my journey in secondary infertility land. My whole purpose in discussing my walk is to document my journey for myself and to share with others what secondary infertility looks and feels like. Some of you may have never met anyone who has experienced infertility after being blessed with one or more children. Hopefully, by reading these stories, you will be better able to relate when you do meet someone. Today's post, however, relates more to those who have experienced a miscarriage.

I want to start out with some praises..... John and I both recieved great news last week after having gone through some tests. Our tests came back normal/better than normal (this kind of stuff is hard to discuss, so bear with me if my vague comments confuse you!) I have a few more tests to undergo, but we may be on to an answer. Please just pray that the problem(s) would be made clear. I would also appreciate if you would pray specifically for one test that I will have to undergo. I have been told that it is extremely painful. I am praying that the Lord would protect me from the pain and would guide the physicians in their diagnosis.

OK.....here's the unexpected punch in the gut part..... I came home today to find this in the mail.......

My first thought was....."Why would someone send........ OH! I Know!" You see my due date for the baby that I lost was June 6th, 2011. My heart sunk as I realized that next week would be the week I was supposed to bring my sweet baby home. I'm sure that I signed up for some free give-away or something like that. I never even considered that women who have miscarried might recieve samples in the mail that remind them of their "Never-Going-to-Happen Due Date." How horrible!

So today, I am sad but blessed. I will someday get to meet that sweet baby that never fully made it down from Heaven. It brings me great joy to know that while My Mom has Allie to spoil and love on, my Dad now has our baby in Heaven to spoil and love on. I haven't really ever said this out loud to anyone but John, but I felt very strongly that this baby was a boy. John and I had even started calling the baby, Barrett. Whether or not the baby really was a boy or not, I am sure that they are well taken care of and I can't wait to meet them someday.

Sad But Blessed..... Sad about the baby I never got to hold.....But Praise God for His many blessings... especially this sweet and sassy blessing:

Secondary Infertility: My Journey

I have been playing out what this post would say for at least a month now and have just gotten the courage to finally write about it. I am writing this more for therapy and documentation purposes for myself than for anything else. I decided that even though the words "Secondary Infertility" still seem like a title for someone else, the truth is, it's my story too and if I don't write out my thoughts, I may forget the feelings, emotions, and prayers that were part of the journey. I want to look back one day and praise God for every prayer answered. So here is my story.....

When John and I decided to start our family we had not even been married for a year, in fact, it may have been closer to 6 months. We both went from believing that we would wait a couple of years, to not being able to wait a couple more months. God laid that desire on our hearts heavily. It took us just 3 months to become pregnant with our Allie Cameron. When Allie was almost 3 months, my Dad was diagnosed with Metastatic Lung cancer and given only a year or so to live. Our quick change of heart regarding kids was no coincidence. God was taking care of our family before we knew that we needed taken care of. Allie has been such an unbelievable blessing. Her hugs are like the arms of God on the days when we miss dad so much it hurts to breathe. She is healthy and I am so thankful for her and for the blessing that she has been.

When Allie was about a year old, John and I decided that we would start trying to have another baby. I have always wanted my children to be close in age so that they would be friends growing up together. I have always said that I wanted 3 or 4 children, so John and I decided that it was a good time to have another baby. We began trying to get pregnant in the Summer of 2009. In later Summer, I quit having periods. (If this is Too Much Info.... I apologize) I thought for sure that we were pregnant, but after having to take out a loan to pay for all of the pregnancy tests I was taking, I accepted the idea that maybe something else was going on. The next 6 months were the most frustrating months of the whole ordeal. I began having menopause-like symptoms (hot flashes, night sweats, weight gain, and some others I won't go into on the blog). I made several appointments with my OB/GYN and my PCP. They ran tons of tests, all which came back normal. However, what I was experiencing was anything but normal. I just kept telling them, "Something is wrong!" Finally, after 6 months of feeling like I was going crazy, my OB/GYN decided that she would run every test she knew to run to see if we were missing something. I got a call a few days later and she asked me "Are you still breastfeeding Allie?" (now keep in mind, Allie is now one and a half and when I tried to breastfeed Allie as an infant, I could never produce enough) so I replied "Heavens No!" So she begins to tell me that my Prolactin levels are extremely elevated. Prolactin is the hormone that your body excretes when you breastfeed. She ordered an MRI and within a week I was diagnosed with a Pituitary Tumor called a Prolactinoma. Finally, and answer to all the weird symptoms. You see Prolactin blocks Estrogen from the receptors. So even though my Estrogen levels appeared fine, the Prolactin was keeping my body from using the Estrogen. I was referred to an Endocrinologist and within a month I was back to normal and was having regular periods. This all occurred in January 2010.

So fast forward 6 months and several medication adjustments due to yucky side-effects, and John and I got the news we had been praying desperately for, we were pregnant. This pregnancy was so different from my pregnancy with Allie. I felt horrible all day every day. Not morning-sickness-horrible, but flu-like horrible. I even made the comment to someone that I thought I was allergic to the baby. I also had awful stomach pains the entire time. I was convinced that I was having gallstones, but that turned out fine. We had our first ultrasound and the baby looked great. However, I still felt like something was wrong. On November 18th, one day before I was to be 12 weeks along, we lost our baby. I have had friends who have miscarried and I am so sorry that I underestimated what that is like. The physical pain was almost unbearable, however, the emotional pain is something that I struggle to find words for. It isn't like losing a child that you have held and have to bury, it's a lonely grief. A grief that few share with you because to many people, the pregnancy was not an everyday reminder of the life you were carrying. People may not even know that you were pregnant, or sometimes even worse, they did know and now you face the awkward moment when they ask you when you are due or what you are having and you have to share the news over and over. I never knew what those women went through, but now I do.

So we continued on in our prayerful attempt to expand our family. I received great news in April, my tumor is gone! Praise God for this answered prayer. However, that means that from an Endocrine stand point, there is no reason why I should not be getting pregnant. I bought an ovulation kit. I had to pray about this because a small part of me felt like I wasn't trusting God to answer my prayers. I felt like the kit was taking matters into my own hands. So I sought Godly counsel from several friends who have been praying for me through this whole counsel. They committed to pray with me that if I was indeed taking matters into my own hands, that God would only allow me to get pregnant if it was His will. Another area where my prayer warriors have joined John and I in praying is in the area of Infertility Specialists. I made an appointment with my OB/GYN and was referred to a Fertility Specialist. I had my first appointment today. I feel totally at peace with the decisions that we have made up until this point. The Fertility Specialist was amazing. He ran several tests and I will undergo several more over the next couple of months.

Secondary Infertility is an issue that while similar to Primary Infertility, carries with it, it's own unique hurts and pains. I have been blessed with a healthy child. My wanting to have more children in no way means that I don't appreciate what I have been given. Yet I have been told, "God will give you another baby when you appreciate what He has already given you," "You got pregnant this year, you just don't have a baby to show for it," "You're not infertile, you have a kid," "Maybe God knows you can't handle more than one." All of these have been said by well-meaning, good-intentioned people. It is what people with Secondary Infertility hear everyday, in some form or fashion. However, wanting more children is a heart-wrenching desire that I have. I believe the promises in the Bible and I believe that it is my God-given right and my responsibility to have more children and to raise up an army for the Lord. I also am very aware that some people physically can not have children. I have always believed in adoption and have always felt that some people the Lord sets aside to raise children who were theirs, yet they did not deliver. John and I are praying about our future with regards to adoption. I believe that the Lord will give us desires on the same level when adoption is what He wills for our lives. I would so appreciate your prayers as we navigate our way through this process of Secondary Infertility and seek to discover what God's will is in this situation.